Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hey alone!
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Talent is the ability to convince people you have it.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
There's no such thing as gravity, the world just sucks.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
A penny saved is ridiculous.
The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.
i souport publik edekasion
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
All I want is a chance to prove that money means nothing to me!
"Turn right ... no, turn left ... no, turn straight!"
Remember: If you throw dirt, you're losing ground.
There is no job so simple that it can not be done wrong.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
I'll stop procrastinating tommorow.
The difference between intelligence and stupidity is that intelligence has a limit.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
Why do we drive on the parkways, and park on the driveways?
Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder, "What they hey just happened?!?"
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
There is nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured by cosmetic surgery.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their tush to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?
"Lived here all your life?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."Not yet."
"They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!"
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on a milk carton.
If a turtle didn't have a shell, would it be considered homeless?
That's the way the toilet flushes...
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?!
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
We have enough youth - how about a fountain of smart?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
You can never fall off the floor.
Smile.... It confuses people!
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Antique is just another word for second-hand.
This skeleton goes into a bar, and asks for a beer and a mop...
If you were to strangle a Smurf, what color would it turn?
Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough money you can buy them back.
24 hours in a day...24 Diet Cokes in a case...coincidence?
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ...
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
Being paranoid means never having to think that your alone.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - and I can lose weight!
I've finally figured out why you always have that stupid grin on your face ... You're stupid!
When you don't know where you're going. . . Every road will take you there.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
When in doubt, mumble.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Where there's a will...there's a relative.
Grass is natures way of saying hey
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
He was such a poor sailor tht he got seasick at the sight of salt water taffy.
Then there was the undertaker who signed all his letters with "Eventually yours."
All my life I said I wanted to be someone... I can see now that I should have been more specific.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
The more I get to know people, the better I like animals.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
90% of being smart, is knowing what you're dumb at.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Just because a doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" really tick me off. Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
It is really hard to face your problem, when your face is the problem.
Why do people look up when they think?
When people spill anything on themselves, why do they always treat it like acid?
If you read a warning saying Don't believe anything you read, would you believe it?
Ever notice how people always say 'it will turn up' when they're not the one looking for it?
Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?
Why isn't there a weight limit on Spandex?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why is it that the word "gullible" not in the dictionary?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
You know the old rule; 'I' before 'E' except after 'C'? If Einstein had listened to that, would he be able to write his own name?
Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good Evening" when all they talk about is bad news?
We call films movies, so why don't we call photographs stillies?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends?
Donald Duck has three nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Where is his brother or sister? And why can't they take care of their own kids?
Could Humpty Dumpty have been pushed?
Sometimes you have to stand alone just to make sure you still can
Don't step on a daisy while looking for a rose
Frogs have it easy, they eat what bugs them
It's not an easy job being a princess, but somebody's got to do it!
Everyone smiles in the same language
They say a smile is contagious, so lets start an epidemic
Until you can prove yourself perfect, you cannot put others down for their imperfections
A laugh is a smile that bursts
Life is short, don't waste time worrying about what people think of you
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
Friends are the part of our family we get to choose
Be nice to other people, they outnumber you six billion to one
If you were to die tomorrow, and you could only make one phone call... who would you call? What would you say? And why are you waiting?
There are two types of mints in life that you should never turn down: breath mints & compliments.. either way, someone is trying to tell you something
Don't get high on life... snorting cereal really hurts!
I like who I am, and I'm puzzled to find out that not everybody shares this opinion
Sometimes there is no next time, no time outs, no second chances. Sometimes, it's now or never
If I throw a stick, will you leave?!
How can I judge someone without truly knowing them? And when I truly know someone how could I possibly judge them
The wind is like the air, only pushier
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Don't be so open-minded -- your brains will fall out
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted... and rode off
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place
Everyone makes mistakes. That's why they put an eraser on a pencil
Know whats weird? Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different
No one can go back and make a new start, but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end.
I hate it when people talk while I'm interrupting!
Dont judge me until you know me
To make things simple... let's just autamatically assume that everything I say is right
I always win.. except when I lose, and then it doesn't count
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Education is a funny thing. At eighteen we knew all the answers, forty years later even the questions confuse us
I'm not conceited because conceit is an imperfection, and I'm perfect
If it's not in sight, you can't see it
Boy did I butter him up like a roll!
Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter
Sometimes I like to lie in my bed at night, and look up at the stars...and I wonder...where the hey is my ceiling?
Living in an all-glass house has its disadvantages, but seeing the birds smack it makes it all worth while
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem so funny
I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool
I ran into my ex-boyfriend the other day so I backed up and ran into him again
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets mad and comes after you, he has to run a mile with no shoes
If you canít ignore an insult, top it. If you canít top it, laugh it off; and if you canít laugh it off, it's probably deserved
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did
It's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not arrogant, I'm just better than you
It takes only 17 muscles to smile, and over 40 muscles to frown
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder
Practice makes perfeckt
Love thine enemies...it really ticks them off
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people
Get the facts first, THEN panic!
Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana
If you can't speak softly, just use the stick
No one is listening until you make a mistake
Don't walk behind me, for you are not my slave. Don't walk next to me, although you are my equal. Just walk about 5 steps infront of me because baby, you have a great personality!
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing "This looks much better on" On what? On fire
It's been lovely but I have to scream now
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it
We're all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding it
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy, but socially dead
I'm so poor I can't even pay attention
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