At the time I was only 25, and I was pregnant for my youngest daughter. I never thought that my Dad would no longer be here, to me he was invincible, my tower of strength. He was always there for me, and loved me unconditionally, something that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
My Dad was a very giving man. He gave us everything that he could think of, including a very special family life. He was always willing to go that extra mile for someone, whether he knew them or not. One time I remember, my father gave the coat off of his back to man who had 5 children at home and could not afford one for himself. His reasoning to my Mom was that he had two,and could only wear one at once.
It is never easy for a child to loose thier parent. When it happens at such a young age, it is a shock, and is very hard to deal with. It seems so unreal, like he is going to be around the next corner. For months I expected him to surprise me by walking into my kitchen, like he always did. I remember feeling like I was on show, like everyone was watching me, to see what I would do next, I felt so vunerable. In many ways I feel like I was not able to grieve.
I know now that they were just concerned for me, my father was the only man in my life, to that point who had never let me down. We were very close, and people were worried I guess that his death would be seriously harmful to me. To this day I miss him terribly, and if I had one wish it would be that he is safe in heaven, still watching over me.
I have written this page to hopefully help anyone who is in the same situation as myself. If I can help just one person out there to realize that it is okay to cry, to scream, to do whatever you have to do, then I have accomplished my goal. Death is never an easy thing to deal with. It does not matter if you are "prepared" for it or not, when that phone rings and you know it is over, it is the worst thing that you will go through. It does not matter if you have had 6 months, or 5 minutes to get used to the idea, it is still a shock.
You see it was not until last year that I dealt with the death of my father. I had refused to that point to admit that he was really gone. I would not go to the cemetary, because if I had actually faced the crypt, it would have meant that he was never comming back. I know that it may seeem selfish or silly, but it was too final for me.
About a year and a half ago, a good friend forced me to go. He came with me, allowed me to talk, to cry, to finally grieve. It was the hardest trip that I have ever made in my life, but I would not change the fact that I have gone for the world. I talked for hours, and I know that somewhere, my Dad was listening. I will never forget the person who came with me that day. He helped me through one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. I will always care for him. Another person I owe a great deal to as far as that day goes is Don, who I am now engaged to. He stayed with me for hours after I got home that night. I poured it all out, for a second time. I grieved more that day then I had in the entire 4 years since he had passed away.
I know now that my Dad is never comming back, but he will always be in my heart. The one way to ease the pain, is to always remember. Even though it hurts to remember, it is the way that I keep my Dad alive in my heart and in my mind. The pain does ease with time, and soon it is comforting to remember.
Although the pain of loosing a parent is dreadful, can you imagine loosing a child ? I know myself that that is something that I hope I never have to deal with. It is something to me that is totaly unnatural. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children, but unfortunatley it happens more than we may all realize. I have a friend that has lost his Son. I know that this loss has affected him deeply. He has told me numerous times how the pain runs very deep. This man is an exceptional man. He has turned his pain around, and is working through his grief, by helping others that are in the same situation as he and his wife. It takes someone special to do what he is doing for others. He chairs support groups, and has dedicated his time and efforts to a page on the internet called, Bereaved Families of Ontario. This page is dedicated to all the childeren that have been taken from us too early in their lives. If you are in this situation, or if you have lost anyone who you are close to, this is a great site to get some help dealing with your loss. I wish that I had had access to something like this when I had lost my father.
The keepers of magic and dreams
Angels watch over you wherever you go,
Keeping each day perfect
and promising a bright new tomorrow
The motto of all angels is
"It's a wonderful life".
Wherever there is love,
An angel if flying by.
Angels help you carry the ball,
carry a tune, carry your weight
and carry on!
Your gaurdian angel knows you inside
and out and loves you just the way you are.
Angels keep the world safe for hummingbirds
and butterflies and rainbows in spring.
Angels keep it simple and always travel light
Angels love whispering secrets
and whisteling in the dark.
Whenever you hear music,
an angel is speaking to you.
Remember to leave space in you relationships
so angels have room to play
Your gaurdian angel helps you
find a place when you feel there is no place to go
Keep a spare angel in your pocket
Angels carry high-beam lights
to help you through the darkest hours
Whenever you feel lonely
a special angel drops in for tea
Angels know that love is only a four letter word
We are always "angels on call" for a friend
Everytime you hear a bell,
another angel has earned it's wings
Angels are with you every step of the way
and help you to soar with amazing grace
After all, we are all angels in training
All we have to do is spread our wings and fly