Now back to our regularly scheduled homepage.
This is the only time I'm putting myself through this.
(Ignore that last line, it came with the page.)
I'm working here. Come back tomorrow. I'd put up a construction sign, but I think they're stupid. Practically all the links have been turned off, so I must be doing SOMETHING.
(And I really mean it this time.)
The Coolest Link in the Universe
Actually, I'm not really working on it. I just wanted to give you some false hope... I haven't even got internet access anymore. I was deliberately wasting your time. `Course, how could I have put that in if I don't have access? Who's been hacking into my account?
So, I guess this means I really AM working on it. It's true! Many new sites! New dumb stuff! Links! My ego! It's all here! Hoody Hoo!
Unless I've only been changing the date that I claim to have last updated...
SHONEN KNIFE gave a concert over the internet! And I was there live!!! Ikko-o, Ikko-o, LET'S GO!
That's my name up there. (At the top of the screen, you rascal!)
The Big Man has been surfing the page. He hasn't given me any grief about the page so far, so I can stop being careful about what I type. Actually, I couldn't care less about what The Big Man thinks about what I type. After all, I've been commissioned, and I'm outta there. Wahoo! Oh, you're probably wondering who The Big Man is. If this is the case, it isn't you. Otherwise, I bet you miss me, don't'cha, huh, Big Man? (Bloody Roman.)
Because the number of whiners who complained that the background picture made the text unreadable reached five, I took the background out. Don't worry, it's just been moved elsewhere. If you look, you'll find it in the index section. Hey, did you notice that the last three sentences had a comma in them? Gee, that sure is weird. And yes, that picture is me. And yes, the other person is female. Those of you who suggest otherwise are disgusting. To make up for this unexpected lack of clarity, I have adjusted the color of the screen, text, and links so that my page will be as unreadable as ever. Thank you for your patience.
As you can plainly see, (that's kind of a Groo joke), I'm currently working on the page. (Two commas!) However, if you've read this far, you must have missed my first announcement. I'm working here. Go away. Or stay, since I admit to doing nothing on the page. Who cares. No, I retracted that statement. I AM working on it!
This place used to be ridiculously long, but I've almost completely cleared up the clutter. (Yeah, right.) Here's something that helped organize the ramblings : an index!
Somebody suggested for the sake of my career I should delete the line about the Freemen. That's depressing. People take life too seriously.
Sometimes people consider me a flake, and call me slow of mind. Well, I think people are stupid.
Why is my birthdate an EXTREMELY mystical day? It's simply because, wait, hold on a second. I'll get back to this in a minute.
I was born in `71? Gee, that makes me old. Well, at least I haven't suffered the disabilities of old age, like forgetfulness. (But some of my friends do say I'm slow of mind.) Now, what were we discussing? Oh well, it probably wasn't important anyway.
I'm running for president in 2008, when I'll be 37, unless I'm still in the army, or dead. Slogan: `I like Eick!' (Vote for me.) I'm a nice guy.
I received a message from someone pledging their vote. Unfortunately, he had a German name. I'm hoping he is actually an American citizen, so the vote will count for something. Flock to my banner; Eick in `08 for 8! I'll probably be running for some far right wing party, after all, that's what most people expect from me anyway. Might as well go with the expectations, voters hate surprises, and right wingers get more airtime on the Jerry Springer Show.
Speaking of the White House... The incompetent is still in it. (No names mentioned. I COULD be referring to a tour guide.) What does that say about us?!? Here's a hint: It's not favorable.
Ah well, at least we know he won't be back in 4 years. (Don't jump to conclusions about the identity of people I discuss. The tour guide may be an old man who's retiring soon.)
Now back to me, my favorite subject.
I have no friends. :(
That's more than I wanted to tell you.
Yes, Jay, Missy, and Billy, I have no friends. A REAL friend wouldn't let a little thing like $5000 and a few months in prison come between them. A REAL friend would realize I needed the reward money, and be happy that I came up with a solution to get it.
Besides I got each of you some soap-on-a-rope. How are things in the joint, anyway?
Yes, Bill, I know you need more soap. Poor guy.
Applications now being accepted to be my friend. E-Mail resumes to me before 31 OCT 94. Thank you.
Good news! The application deadline to be my friend has been extended! (This is mainly because nobody has applied yet.) Better hurry, because a late fee will be charged to all applications processed after 14 NOV 93.
(Note to self- Put the reason why my birthday is an EXTREMELY mystical day here. It'll garner a few awed new friends.)
I received a curious piece of e-mail about my PT shorts. Further developments will be posted, or maybe they won't. Why are you so interested in my shorts anyway?
Is there anybody out there? (This is a loose thought. It can't be anchored down.)
Anyone who reads this should feel free to send responses (or money) to email@example.com which
should be the place I get mail at. Don't expect a response, unless you say nice things about one of my interests, promise political support, or need to know if I accept credit cards, checks, or cash only. The size of my PT shorts is classified, so everyone just mail to me all the ones you have handy, and I'll pick and choose the ones I want to keep. Aw, what the heck, if we're going to get perverted, go ahead and send any panties or
bras you may have handy too. (I have GOT to quit the Happosai imitation. They'll get me in trouble someday.)
So far, flames have received more responses than praise has. (Mainly because I've only had flames.) Actually I did get one note that wasn't a flame. I'll tell you about it down after the links section.
I'm on their album! I'll tell you more when I start breathing regularly again.
Right after this next section, I'll tell you all about why my birthday is an EXTREMELY mystical day.
The keys were sticking on `boy!'.The `e' was an error. Go in peace.
Valley of the Shubs is still here, `cause I like to insult it. (Imagine my surprise when I heard this place changed it's name. It's not like I actually visit this site to check, or anything.) Well, it's fill-in will do just as well. Maybe I'll actually change the name later. I doubt it though. Shubs is such a friendly-sounding word. That word was the only decent thing about the entire page.
Hmmm, somebody out there squealed on me to this pages webmaster. (It was probably Daniel McKey.) John Searcy sent me a nice letter. It was a much more pleasant in tone than anything I would have sent. Of course, a summons is usually sent in polite language, the swearing takes place in court. See, I did tell you about the non-flame.
I think I was supposed to tell you something else here, but I forget what it is. Sorry, folks.
Does anybody remember the Monchichis? And if so, why?
Many people have come up to me and ask me what I think of the new double knits. `Eric,' they'll say, `what do you think of the new double knits?' Well, I'll tell you, my friend, this suit I'm wearing now is a double knit; it fits in all the right places, etc. So, I have to come out in support of the new double knits. Thanks for asking.
If you own a blue Chevy Nova with Jersey plate AX8-P432, you left your lights on. The battery will go dead that way. Be more careful.
Oh, yeah, the muppets are cool. I hate Clifford, though. No, I mean I REALLY hate Clifford.
Whatever happened to `Muppets Tonight' anyway?
Listen closely, children, and I shall enlighten you.
It's on the Disney channel.
I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.
Cheyenne is a Dakota word meaning `to speak unintelligibly'.
Shawnee is an Algonquian word for `southerners'.
I am a good conductor; I live in Shangri-La.
He is a good conductor; he lives in Shangri-La.
Dogs are spawn of Satan. 'Nuff said. <----- This is true!
Is this right? I had it written down somewhere.
I think Baron Samedi is the name of a zombie in a VCR game they sell in Canada. We don't get it here in the US. Too bad. Someone mail me a copy of it, along with the underwear.
I really need thirty-eight thousand dollars to pay off my accumulated college debt. If all of my loyal readers (those of you who typed in the wrong address and wound up here) could see fit to send me some cash, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
A man can eat bread or fish in this world, but can only digest the contents of the war journals belonging to nine hundred thousand Macedonians in full battle array as if it was sold to the vassals of the gendarmes as easily as the octopus eats the giant ape's worshippers, who invariably wind up between his toes that can test the type of pudding eaten by the denizens of Mother Goose's village that Oliver and Stan lived in.
Believe me when I tell you that I do not say this lightly.
I was in a bookstore and they were reading `The Marvelous Toy.' I knew all the words.
The bookstore did not have `Olsen's Book of Standard British Birds.'
The bookstore did not have `101 Ways to Start a Fight.'
The bookstore did not have `A Kristmas Karol.'
The bookstore did not have `Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying.'
Obviously, the people at the bookstore do not listen to Monty Python.
Ralph Kramden lived at 328 Chauncey Street, in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn. He was blood type A, and his social security number was 105-36-22. He drove bus number 2969. His wife Alice had four suitors that we know of before she married Ralph. (Just for all you identity thieves out there.)
You're a oddball, and we don't LIKE oddballs. This is to be said with an eye towards cruelty. Notice the inflection in the word `like', and be sure to say `a oddball,' not `an oddball.'
You don't REALLY have to mail me your underwear. I'll steal `em myself. `Whatta haul! Whatta haul!'
I moved to a new room. It still has spiders. I try not to eat them anymore.
I'm gonna eat you little fishie,
I'm gonna eat you little fishie,
I'm gonna eat you little fishie,
Because I like eating fish!
I'm gonna eat you little chickie,
I'm gonna eat you little chickie,
I'm gonna eat you little chickie,
Because I like eating chicks!
What did that cat just say?
Those of you who faxed me $38,000 for my college debt, I appreciate it. The university won't take a fax copy of money though. Better just mail it to me this time. Yeah, yeah, I know, the checks in the E-mail. Just because you're funnier than I am doesn't make you a comedian. (And I've got the debt down to $18,000 dollars now anyway. I'll be paid off by the nation's tricentennial birthday!)
I think finding a slug in bath water is remarkably comic. (Provided it's somebody else's.)
(Somebody else's bath water that is, not somebody else's slug.)
A wise man once said `You can put a fish in water, and chances are he'll swim. Meet a man named James and folks will call him Jim.' This guy was SMART!
I'm not really wearing a double knit.
Many men have written great songs, but Jim Morrison is still the Lizard King.
The smart guy said this too.
My Great Old One could beat your Great Old One in a fight.
Curse you, Red Baron!
After the turn of the century,
In the clear blue skies over Germany,
Came a roaring and a thundering men had never heard,
Like the screaming sound of a big war bird.
Up in the sky, a man in a plane,
Baron Von Richthofen was his name,
Eighty men tried, and eighty men died,
Now they're buried together on the countryside.
10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more,
The bloody Red Baron was rolling up the score,
Eighty men died trying to end that spree,
of the bloody Red Baron of Germany.
I'm going to have to find out how the words to that song go.
There's a Christmas sequel too. The Big Man has let me borrow his copy. I liked it. There were actually three songs in the series, with the Christmas song being the third one.
You know, for a bloody Roman, The Big Man isn't that bad at all.
Crackhor- pishtasta salafor!
WARNING: Do not say this out loud. You may accidently burn your house down.
I like Korea. I like Korea a lot. I like Korea so much that it sometimes scares me. I like Korea more than any person safely should. I like Korea.
Matthew 5:26. Look it up.
I think Black Sabbath was better after they got rid of that dead weight, Ozzy.
An informal poll of 18-21 year old college students found out that 50% of college students have no idea who Eddie Vedder is. Only 18% where able to recall his relationship with his father, Darth Vedder, Lord of the Sith.
Q: Why are there no jokes about Jonestown?
A: Because the punchlines are too long! Ha ha!
(Kids, either look it up or go ask your parents.)
Why does it always rain when I open my window and then go away for the weekend?
Problem solved. I don't have windows anymore. `Course the brick is pretty darn unsightly. I need to hang something up on them.
I don't ever recall eating glue as a child. (Well, as a child.)
One of the worlds greatest delights: New Jersey tomatoes!
Let's pause for a moment in silent contemplation.
Okay, that's good enough.
Larry `Wildman' Fischer is undoubtedly the greatest singer to ever grace the modern era. Sing along now...
Merry go, Merry go, Merry go round.
Merry go up and Merry go down.
Etc, etc, etc.
I tell you, the man is a genius. Where can I get his albums?
Found one of his albums!!! Yippee skippee!
Where can I find a record player to listen to it?
His being the greatest is, of course, because he is a solo singer. The greatest BAND in existence is obviously Shonen Knife. (The ultra-eccentric punk-pop cult band!)
Sing along again...
Tortoise Brand Pot Cleaner,
Specially selected pot cleaner,
The best pot cleaner in the world is specially selected
You can tell they're something special.
AND I MET THEM! I HAD A PASS! THEY BREATHED ON ME!
I'll never breathe again.
Hey, that reminds me, I wrote a country song.
There's only two things that money can't buy, and that's true love and home grown tomaters.
I saw a picture of me that was 5 years old. To think that I used to be funny and handsome at one point. Sigh. MEMories...la la la. Good grief, I still tell the same stupid jokes, too!
Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!
O God, we who fight in Your name and in the name of your Son ask for victory in combat tomorrow. Give us the strength to butcher the infidels, so that the righteous may flourish. Amen.
(The prayer before battle in `Pippin')
Rita Repulsa is cool. I mean it. (Cute, too!) :)
I had her picture as a background for my computer, but changed it to the interior of an unlit coal mine. It's neat!
I laughed in the face of danger until it poked me in the eye.
Well, it hurt.
Care Bears, stare THERE!
What did they mean by `slow of mind?'
If you get the Korean news network, I suggest you all watch Cho Kwang Jo, a great program, and subtitled to boot!
There's another great program I can't spell, `Japanese Fujikansankei' or some such. REALLY interesting music videos. How did that song go?
Sexy sexy sexy sexy,
Naked female wrestlers!
If anyone knows the name of the band and the album, TELL ME!!! I want it.
I thought the fish tasted funny, but I didn't want to cause a scene.
Because it ran out of juice! *WAH HA HA HA HA!*
That always cracks me up.
More places I thought were interesting, still more recycled jokes, more verses of the Ranma 1/2 song I wrote, and other fun stuff. Like what? Oh, I'll catalog at least 100 of the Jusenkyo springs I guess. Gee, that sounds like fun... I've actually finished this on paper, but have been too lazy to put it online. Sorry folks. I promise to move some of this stuff to other pages as well. That should clear things up around here, too. I'm working on this now. Yeah, and more military stuff. Hey, how about a nice picture of me as well? (Other than the one on the background. - I'm the one who looks like a deranged Powder.) This is a bit of all right. Oh, I'll tell you why my birthdate is an EXTREMELY mystical day, too. Yeah, and I'll add some pictures of my brothers in their underwear, too. True, I've promised this stuff since July of 96, but I've been very busy sending my fiend Daniel McKey e-mail. He's kind of a jerk.
This page has been accessed an astoundingly low number of times since 20 MAY 98, even with me having updated this page as recently as 31 Mar 03.
See how few people have visited???
(And that was actually ME, running up the counter again.)
Let's E-Mail Eric N Eick! / EICKERIC@yahoo.com
I was going to put a counter down here, but there are some things Man Was Not Meant To Know. So I put it up there instead.
The lights on the blue Chevy Nova have gone out.
Anyone have a set of jumper cables? They'll need `em...
The blue Chevy Nova has just been broken into. Somebody is walking away with your car stereo, and I think they're going to start removing tires now.
Dang, the fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror were also stolen. Too bad, I was going to grab those myself...
A couple members of the SCA just took the hood, with the stated intention of making it into armor. I guess they must have ripped off all the street signs around here already.
Somebody is draining the oil. They told me they need it `for a joke.' Oh.
The seats are missing. They were moved to make it easier to look for loose change.
Hey, cool! There actually ARE gloves in the glove compartment!
EEEEWWWW! There's a finger in these gloves!
Hmmm, whomever this belongs to takes good care of their hands. I can appreciate quality hand care.
At the risk of looking a gift horse in the mouth and all, these banners and things really get on my nerves. Oh, for the good old days of the hatchetman.
If you're looking down here, you are REALLY hard-up for entertainment.